Fire, Then Life

At the same time over 12,000 acres of land was on fire in the Sequoia National Forest last summer, my life was burning too. 

As flames threatened the Giant Sequoia National Monument, headlines proclaimed that many of these trees that had lived thousands of years were in danger. If we didn't take action, these pieces of natural history would be lost. 

"We must stop the onslaught of this natural disaster!" Shouted reporters.

Eventually the fire subsided and something amazing happened. The trees that were actually injured by the heat and flames of the fire were able to produce "stump sprouts," new life from the very place that the fire touched. Instead of being destroyed by the disaster, the Sequoias were able to produce life and grow.

I took this to heart and told myself to look at my crumbling life as an opportunity to create something better.

After being in a long-term relationship with a good person who was wrong for me, we ended it and decided to move on.  As we broke up, we changed the structure of our small business into a silent partnership (I becoming the silent partner, he becoming 100% manager). We also decided to split time taking care of our lovely dog 50/50. Things seemed to be amicable. I breathed a sigh of relief…

…Until the fire started.

The fire came in the form of love; not only did love ruin a pleasant ending to my previous relationship, it created something new in my life that has enhanced and rejuvenated me beyond anything I could have imagined. 

The thing is, I fell in love with someone on the heels of a broken relationship.

"How can love happen that fast? You must have cheated on me." Reasoned my ex.

True, it seemed to have happened quickly in his eyes, so when he read my e-mails and saw that I was in love with another man, he reacted. His reaction was the spark that started a fast-burn.

As it was unfolding, I shouted alarming, sometimes opposing things in my mind; I was on offense, then submitting, questioning my worth, then on defense:

"Attack and fight!"

"You must stop this from gaining ground!"

"Give in and concede!"

"How could you let this happen?"

"Defend yourself from this disaster!"

In the end, all I could really do was wait and let the fire burn itself out.

What happens after everything that your life was, is gone in the end?

What happens when the man you once loved, the gym you once spent hours a day training and coaching at, is no longer part of your daily routine?

What happens when you disappear from countless people's lives without an explanation?

This.

I have mourned, gotten mad, felt extremely sad, asked countless questions, felt sorry for myself, felt sorry for my ex, cried, felt relieved…and done it all again, and again, and I still do it all; sometimes in the same night. 

But all of those feelings have burnt themselves out to some degree too. 

Giant Sequoias reproduce best by becoming "injured," by losing a limb or getting burnt by a fire. They create something new from what many see as a natural disaster.

Now in my life there is space where disaster once was. I, like the Sequoias, take these losses and use them to create something new. The love that has sprouted from a disaster has made me grateful for all that can come from an ending…a beginning.

Reconciling with God

I'm not angry at God anymore because this Indian chai was brought into my life...
...And the chai guy who made the creamy, spicy, heaven in my mouth...
...And the fact that I am an English teacher and get to travel the world meeting the neatest people ever (here it happens to be in Nepal)...

I used to be mad at God.

When I was a little younger, I wondered why God wouldn't get me the barbie doll I wanted or why this God wouldn't help me make Senior Nationals for swimming. I mulled over the fact that God decided to make me a not so tall or compellingly attractive person. I wondered why this almighty power couldn't keep my parents together, why this entity decided to make my sister's life so hard, and why this spiritual being couldn't stop children from starving in southeast Asia (I didn't know if this was true, but I always heard adults telling me to eat my food because the "starving children in Southeast Asia" didn't have it so easy).

Now, my anger at God for not paying attention to my needs has vanished. What has replaced this anger is a feeling that in this life, we must not be angry about what we don't have, but be grateful for what we do. Maybe this realization is comical or obvious for some people, but for yours truly, it is a beacon of hope that guides me through this life.

After having lived in Afghanistan for the last five months, my perspective on life has shifted dramatically. Before I arrived in the country, I was a self-centered, "me" focused person. Most of the things that I did were motivated by the idea that they could make my own life better.
I am not denying that, to a degree, everyone should do things that make them happy; that enhance their own lives. But while living in Kabul, I have realized that we cannot only be concerned with how our actions affect our own lives; we should also be aware of how our decisions affect others.

Has God been trying to tell me this all along?

Maybe God made it hard for me to get a barbie so that my mom had more money to pay our bills. It is possible that a higher power wouldn't help me make Senior Nationals for swimming because this entity was sending me a message to work harder; to appreciate my athletic success more deeply? I'm still not sure why God didn't make me taller, but I am thankful that my parents didn't stay together because if they did, I wouldn't have Cheril and her family or Jim and his family in my life now.

As for the bigger problems, like the starving children in southeast Asia, or the wars, genocides, natural disasters, or simply the fate that one is dealt...maybe these things all exist so that we will continue to improve ourselves as individuals, societies, and as a global population. If there was an absence of problems in our lives, then what would we strive for?

I once was angry with God. I mistrusted what the idea of a higher power represented; I saw the act of worshiping God as futile; as something that would lead to unfulfilled hopes. Now, I know that I was foolish to think these things.

I haven't suddenly found a certain religion, or been saved or anything like that. I have just realized that life is hard to explain, and believing that there is a higher power helping to show us that there is more to our waking moments than helping ourselves, puts things into perspective.

For example...
Each day I wonder why I am such a lucky person.
Why am I not a poor Afghan child selling chewing gum on the street?
Why am I not a Chinese factory girl, sewing the seams on to Nike shoes for less than a dollar a day?
Why have I been born into my life of constant privilege instead of being born into a yurt with no electricity or running water on a Mongolian plain somewhere?
Why has it taken me this long to ask these questions?

It may be silly to mention that this next quote comes from a book called, Eat, Pray, Love, but it does. Although this book is about one woman's pursuit to find her spiritual balance, while reading it, I realized that her life is my own turned inside out. And if her life is my life its your life too. We all can find pieces of ourselves in each other and this book helped me recognize that. This is one of the most important points that Ms. Gilbert, the author, mentions:

"God lives within you, as you."

What this means to me is that God has made you the person you are for a reason. Among other things, I am an American English teacher because I have the earthly ability to teach and learn from people. I'm God's educational tool and I respect that. And although I can't answer the very hard, sometimes disheartening and infuriating philosophical questions, at least I know this:

I used to be angry at God.
Now, I am happy that God didn't get angry at me for being angry at him, and that he let me experience the bliss that is "special street chai" in India.
Thanks God.