I am from

Jaala weaving during Peace Corps Micronesia's swearing-in ceremony, 2003

Of Yesterday...

Sifting through my belongings as I move into the future, I have had the curious opportunity to revisit my past. Last night, as I dipped my hands into Peace Corps memories, I found this gem. Written on September 11, 2003, it was noted on the crumpled piece of paper that this poem occupied:

"Dedicated to Micro 70s: as we adapt to a new culture, do not forget where we came from."

I read this aloud to all of the trainees in Peace Corps Micronesia two years after the 9/11 tragedy and over a year and a half after I had moved away from the United States to become a Peace Corps volunteer. So without further adieu...

I am from

I am from...
a humble beginning and a complex past,
a deep green blanket of trees
where the rain pours non-stop
and umbrellas are a mosaic in the sky.

I am from...
skinned knees and freeze tag,
bike crashes and pickle ball;
Garbage Pail Kids and baseball with the boys,
wishing I was one of the boys
and struggling to emerge as a woman.

I am from...
late night dancing
with flowers pinned to lapels
and corsages on wrists;
fancy dresses and butterflies
lingering on and on
until that first kiss.

I am from...
millions of miles back and forth, back and forth,
frothy foam in my face,
swimming away from it all
tears filling my goggles
pain telling me I'm alive.

I am from...
The Sound of Music,
Chopin channeled through my mother into my heart,
jazz weeping from my fingertips,
rhythm and blues repeating every one's story,
Billy Holiday blaring on the record player;
her pain, ours in another time.

I am from...
a mixed family
a mixed-up family
a strong family
a strongly opinionated family
my family.

I am from...
decades of strong women,
rice and beans, sopapillas,
salsa dancing, hair braiding,
curls and koolaid.

I am from...
Lakota, Illahee, Sacajawea
Snohomish, Puyallup, Issaquah
and all of the other natives that time forgot.

I am from...
Democratic, capitalistic
corporate, religious, political
FREEDOM
a mess of meditations, a maze of signs
and symbols being held in protest;
a beautiful traffic jam of ideas.

I am from...
nervousness and anticipation,
opportunity and experience;
a new world.

I am from...
a solitary dream
that turned out to be more

I am from America.

Without Winter

Without winter

Without winter, how would we ever know that there is a summer?

Without cool, crisp, clear starry-skied nights, how would we remember that soon enough, the night will be shorter and comfortable, that there will be campfires, sand between our toes and short shorts to be worn?

If we didn't partake in hot cocoa in November, how would we realize that in a few short months we will be pounding iced chai after a strenuous beach day?

Without snow angels, traipsing through the mountains on a long snow-shoe hike with friends, skiing at Mammoth, and cuddling by the fire, would we understand that paddling, bikinis, basking in the sun, and back country hikes were just around the corner?

If never a toe was cold, never a cheek rosy, boots weren't wet, and winter was not stubborn, would we still appreciate the sand cradling our bodies while the California sun tans our faces?

Although winter is my least favorite season, I am fortunate for its existence because, without winter, I would never know how much I love summer. Enduring winter to experience the beauty of summer and to fall in love with the season anew each year makes my stomach flip. However, lately, I have had to remind myself that winter will indeed end. Recently, as winter has slowly descended on Santa Barbara, it has also wiggled its way into my personal life.

I realized winter's oppressive presence just a few days ago while sipping my warm chai latte. Not only was I freezing, but I was also overly melancholy that morning. The night previous, I nonchalantly told a friend that my life was "hard" lately. Expecting sympathy and questions of inquiry, comforting words and advice, my friend offered me a reality check. He said, simply, "How is your life hard?"

At first I was angry. How could he not understand that my life is hard right now? Was he insensitive, clueless even? But then, as I twisted that question around in my head and began to reflect on my seemingly hard life, I realized I was not giving reality due credit. So, I took a knee (metaphorically speaking) and asked myself that same question, how is your life hard right now? I promised myself I would answer clearly and honestly. This was my response.

Asking how my life has been hard really made me think about whether it is truly hard or not. The answer to that one would be a resounding no, it isn't really hard. It is not hard for many reason that I shall, from this second forward, remember each day I wake.

I am not poor.

Unlike almost half of the world I do not struggle each day to find food; I am not starving or malnourished, I have electricity and plumbing. I have a warm home and a place to sleep and think.

I am not unemployed.

In fact, I am lucky enough to have two jobs. When 12% of Americans are unemployed, I wake up each day with the awesome responsibility of teaching language to our future citizens and leaders. At one of the most beautiful city college campuses in the United States, I interact with students from all over the world, make friends, drink chai lattes, and bask in the sunshine. Hugs abound. Smiles are common. In addition to teaching, I also get to serve food at a family-owned restaurant and meet all kinds of interesting people each night. I am humbled by the mopping of floors and the cleaning of toilets; I know that hard work will make me stronger and I am fortunate that I am able to do it.

I am not sick.

I have no chronic illnesses; I haven't had a cold or the flu for as long as I can remember. I do not need any prescription drugs or painkillers. I go to the dentist and eye doctor regularly and can afford it because I am lucky enough to have good health insurance.

I have loyal and supportive friends and I am in physically awesome shape.

The community that surrounds me lifts me up when I am low; they encourage me through hard times, feed me, educate me, and reason with me.

I eat clean food and breathe clean air.

Living in California I have access to fresh produce all year. The air is sweet and unpolluted, the food tasty and local. The farmers are friendly and generous.

I can volunteer.

Although life is busy, I volunteer with three wonderful groups. I travel the world teaching non-violent conflict resolution, build community in Santa Barbara through service with like-minded women, and design teacher-training workshops for local ESL teachers.

I have a million options as far as what I can do with my life. I am free to choose, free to live, free to move.

I realize these things each day and take the following as a grain of salt…

What my life IS right now is tiring, conflicting, WIDE OPEN and sometimes lonely. In addition to the aforementioned, I am going through a divorce. Although the end of my marriage is a choice and it is what I want, it is still difficult and a bit heart wrenching to go through the process. There is no way to quantify how difficult it is; suffice to say it is difficult. Dismantling the last five years of my existence and salvaging what remains of an integral relationship that will always be a part of me, is an exploration of rock bottom.

But without hard times, how would I ever know that good times will follow?

So I take each day as it comes with the knowledge that although winter has hit hard and strong, all at once, summer will soon be here. Loneliness will fade and the hardness will soften. One day I will wake up, a new person like all of the days before, but this time, summer will have arrived.

Two Months and Crazy

Two Months and Crazy

I must admit, I have gone a little crazy.

It has been over two months (almost three) that I have been eating Paleo and strange things continue to happen; new behaviors continue to emerge.

When I originally decided to eat like this (meat, fish, nuts, seeds, fruits and veggies only), I thought that it would be a neat experiment for a month. However, my life quickly changed (see previous post) and I have continued on this trajectory for much longer than I intended because it works for me.

First, my progression as an athlete has not halted. Although I have now lost about 13 pounds, my strength continues to increase. For example, I have improved 32 pounds on my thruster in the last four months (now my PR is 100#). The 34 second drop on my 5k since the last time I ran it at crossfit in April is also notable (now my PR is 20:26). My deadlift continues to increase (5 rep max has gone up 15 pounds to 190#).

Second, although I did SUPER strict Paleo for the first 30 days, I have surprisingly allowed myself to cheat once in a while. Take for example the day I ate ten chocolate chip cookies at Crossfit Ventura. Or the time I put almost half a stick of butter on a tiny piece of bread. And the night I bought two gourmet cupcakes, asked for extra frosting, then ate both of the cupcakes (along with the frosting) in my car on the way home. Or the afternoon I ate half a pack of gum...oh yes, I do mean EAT! I tend to swallow gum accidentally and the excitement that engulfed me upon ingesting so much sugar via gum caused many mis-chews.

And now to the strange...
I get monster headaches after eating any amount of sugar, so when I eat sugar I go BIG. The headache isn't going to hurt less if I eat less (I have experimented, trust me).

Dizziness overcomes me when I drink caffeine. I have found that this has not cured my addiction to soy chai lattes though. I have remedied this by taking the time to practice handstands and forward rolls after ingesting caffeine. These things make me dizzy independent of caffeine, so it goes along with the same concept as the sugar and headaches...I am already dizzy so why not get as dizzy as possible?

My eyes get blurry when I go off Paleo. I know I will not be able to see as well if I do ingest artificial sugar or complex carbohydrates, so I tend to indulge in sugar-laden luxuries in safe environments like moving cars (of which I am driving).

I once ate an entire jar of almond butter in a 24 hour period and promptly could not swallow for almost another 24 hours.

So folks, I am still doing Paleo and it still rocks. If you were wondering :).

The View From The Cave

The Revelation   About two months ago, I heard a low murmur run through my gym about a diet challenge. Friends were talking about trying to eat like cave men and women for 30 days. Quickly, I decided that I would not participate. I figured my diet was near perfect anyway. I was eating in the zone, consuming all natural, organic foods, I ingested a good portion of grains and soy products and I barely ate red meat. According to the United States Food and Drug Administration I had an exemplary diet. I laughed and shrugged them off.   As the challenge approached though, I was caving. By the time my pals were about to start eating in the Garden of Eden (i.e. consuming only fruits and vegetables, meat, fowl and fish, and nuts and seeds), I had read a couple of books on the subject (Dr. Gundry's Diet Evolution by: Steven R. Gundry and Paleo Diet by Loren Cordain) and browsed some interesting websites (http://www.byersgetsdiesel.com/, http://www.earth360.com/diet_paleodiet_balzer.html , http://www.marksdailyapple.com/, http://robbwolf.com/).   Upon review of these books, websites, and consideration of many other scholarly opinions, I came to the conclusion that the food I had been so confidently consuming would eventually end my life prematurely.  Besides, hunting mastodons and out-sprinting saber-toothed tigers sounded fun. I needed to join my ancestors and fellow crossfitters in the cave.   Those Who Came Before Us   Before I begin to tell you about my month eating a Paleolithic (aka Paleo) style diet, let me first explain the reasoning behind this idea. Our Paleolithic ancestors (from millions of years ago) ate whole, natural foods and animals. Modern diseases like cancer, arthritis, diabetes, and all other inflammatory ailments were non-existent. Those at the base of our family tree got all of the vitamins and nourishment they needed from these unrefined forms of food. Cave men and women did not eat things like grains (sorghum), beans (including peanuts), and potatoes because they didn't know how to cook them; in their raw state these foods were poisonous.   Then, 10,000 year ago at the advent of the Neolithic Age, people figured out how to cook these foods; caloric intake doubled and the glycemic load (sugar levels) of their diets sky-rocketed. They discovered that cooking these once poisonous foods removed most of the toxins, but what they weren't aware of was the fact that the alteration of other characteristics, including the degradation of nutrients and enhancement of sugar, was also a side effect of heating these foods. Regardless, the people of the caves loved these foods because they could store them in their raw state for long periods of time and cook them when needed; those foods also provided quick energy when ingested. Our species was hooked.   Jump to modern day. Today, grains and refined sugars make up a large portion of our diet. These grains and sugars stimulate insulin production in our bodies and we crave more. We eat more. Excess sugar in our bodies stimulates cell growth. We eat more. Our joints become inflamed. We eat more. We develop bad inflammatory diseases. Drug companies profit from all of the ailments caused by our superfluous sugar consumption. They advertise drugs to help us feel better. We take them with our morning bagel and sugary coffee. We continue to eat more.   We are eating ourselves to an early grave.   The Experiment   I decided I would stop ruining my life with food. I would join my gym friends and eat Paleo for 30 days. My body would be a test tube. I would not stray. I would swing from vine to vine and spear some fish. To my surprise, quickly my world was rocked.   It started after only a week or so when I noticed that I didn't feel full, tired, or sluggish after meals. Then, during the second week of my clean-eating experiment, one of my friends complimented on my glowing skin and vibrant teeth. As time went on, it became obvious that I had gotten stronger (I was doing strict negative pull-ups weighted!) and faster (my 1000-meter row time went from 4:00 minutes to 3:46). Eventually I realized that I hadn't had a headache for 16 days. Excitement was setting in; I was very enthusiastic about Paleo. Then I noticed my eyesight had been blurry for a week.   The day before I started eating Paleo I went to my yearly check-up at the eye doctor. He measured my eyes, looked around my ocular cavity and determined that my prescription was basically the same as the previous year. That was good news since my eyes had gotten about .25 worse every year since I was twelve years old. Thus, it came as a shock when, only three weeks later, double vision consumed me. I changed my contacts thinking they were merely dirty. After I had gone through three new pairs in just a few days, I called the eye doctor. We made an appointment for another check-up the next week.   I stumbled into the eye doctor's office a few days later (almost 20 days into my Paleo challenge). Describing the symptoms to my doctor, I also threw in the fact that I had removed all refined foods, sugars, salts, etc. from my diet. Time went by as the doctor experimented with different lenses and looked into my eyes.   Suddenly, the doctor blurted out, "Your eyesight has improved .25 in each eye…this is amazing." He told me that the inflammation in my eyes, which had been getting progressively worse for 18 years, had actually reversed. In three short weeks my vision had improved. The doctor speculated that it was due to my diet.   Saved   Now, here I sit today, finished with my Paleo challenge. Besides my vision improving, here is what else has happened in 30 days:   I have lost 7 pounds (I wasn't big to start with; from 128 to 121). My body fat percentage has gone down 5% (18 to 13). My back squat went up 20 pounds (115-135). I snatched and squatted weight overhead for the first time (53#). I can discuss the glycemic index of most foods. My kipping pull-up total went from 13-20. I dropped 7 seconds on my 800 meter run (2:46-2:39). I know the difference between the Paleolithic Era and the Neolithic Age. My body temperature has gone down a degree (97.5 degrees Fahrenheit). I have fallen in love with raw, unsalted, crunchy almond butter.   Although my body still craves sugar, and grains (I had been eating those foods for 30 years!), I will now only stray occasionally. I like my new way of life and will continue to eat cleanly until I die a death not related to what I put into my mouth. The view from the cave is good.

Strength in Numbers

Strength in Numbers

When I was a tad bit younger than I am now, my swim coach used to pull all of the individualist bad girls aside and tell us the story of the geese.

It goes like this: Geese fly in a V shape to help one another soar more efficiently. The V is aerodynamic in that the goose at the front has to conquer the most resistance while those at the back can cruise on the jet streams of everyone else and rest. When the goose at the front gets tired, all the others move forward and a new goose replaces the old leader to take up the resistance and give him a break. The geese rotate like this because they need each other to keep flying, otherwise they would all die of flying exhaustion and never accomplish much in their short geesy lives.

Thus, when we (the smaller versions of ourselves) were being too catty and self-centered; too focused on competing with each other rather than supporting one another, our coach liked to remind us that none of us would get better alone; we needed each other to thrive.

Recently, I have been reminded of this story. For those of you that are familiar with my obsession, aka, crossfit, you will not be surprised when I say that crossfit has brought this concept back to me. Being your best at anything is always easier when you have people trying, accomplishing, and struggling with the same things you are. No matter how someone is doing at the gym, there is always another person cheering them on. When one or two people decided to try and eat Paleo this month, over ten of us joined them; we have shared recipes, questions, thoughts, successes, and failures. Although I am only the first week into the challenge, it seems easier to do this with others. It is quite possible that anything is easier to achieve with the support of a community.

So go out and act like a goose. Get to it!

The Converted

One can't help but be inspired when surrounded by hard-working, positive people. Since becoming a member of the Crossfit Ventura community, and by default a member of the global Crossfit community, I have affirmed this assertion.

But at first glance, I was a bit skeptical of the cultish-like feel that Crossfit emanated. I thought Crossfit may be something like a pyramid marketing scheme. I feared that I may be entering the Landmark Forum of fitness. I asked myself, "Could I really become a Crossfitter?"

My skepticism grew as every person I asked about Crossfit said the same thing, "It has changed my life, I am stronger than I have ever been, I eat in the Zone, and feel great." They had their own language and threw around terms like "clean and jerk," "snatch," and "WOD." Talking about "doing Josh" and "conquering Fran," or getting their asses whipped by the "filthy" were typical topics. Just like when Happy Gilmore was learning to putt, they joked that Crossfit was "all in the hips." I clutched my purse and hoped the sexual innuendos might stop.

I wondered to myself, "Does anyone dislike Crossfit out there?"
I found that the answer to this query was a resounding "YES."
But I was immediately reminded by a Crossfit lover that "...Crossfit isn't for everyone." He said that "... some people just don't like to work so hard they may puke; they don't like to feel they have accomplished something great everyday; they don't like to have a close community always supporting them..." I laughed and nodded at his sarcasm, but on the inside I was afraid that I would never be a Crossfitter.

Soon enough though, I fell down the rabbit hole; I realized that Crossfit was for me. Being a somewhat retired competitive athlete, the excitement of being on a team had been missing from my life. Having athletic goals was not a priority for me any longer. Crossfit brought that back to me. It brought friends who were goal-oriented, hard working, driven, concerned about their health, and supportive of each other to the forefront of my consciousness.

Now, I feel born-again, but in the church of sport.

After returning from a gig as a spectator at the Crossfit Games, this week I find myself among the converted. I caught myself making "snatch," "box," and "clean and jerk" jokes. I laughed at the rather vulgar shirt slogans (censored). I hugged my sinewy, healthy friends and vowed to place in the Southern California Qualifiers or to be on the Affiliate Cup Team next year. I told myself I would do a muscle-up by the end of this year. I wrote in my journal that I would be a badass when I could do ALL benchmark workouts as "Rx'd" (prescribed).

Then, before I went to bed last night I laughed and realized that it's too late to turn back now. Without even realizing it...I have become a Crosfitter.

Bad habits

Establishing good habits is sometimes hard to do because first one needs to break the bad ones!
Breaking bad habits usually dies hard, even for the most self-disciplined.

For example, a very close friend of mine tried to quit drinking coffee recently. A few weeks after he had stopped, while telling me that he banished his caffeine addiction, I noticed that his breath smelled like cigarettes.

Rule #1: Do not replace a bad habit with another one!

Another example comes from the annals of my friends as well. In an attempt to curb television consumption, said friend got rid of her cable television service. Although she had good intentions, she quickly discovered Hulu (online T.V.) on her computer. Let's just say that her appetite for juicy reality shows has grown.

Rule #2: Doing the same thing in a different way does not mean one has kicked the habit.

Last month, in an attempt to purge my diet of all refined sugar, and stick to the zone i.e. a healthy, balanced diet with controlled portions, I tried to keep the above rules in mind. My goal was to eat healthier and to see whether or not my athletic performance would improve measurably.

The results are indeed interesting.
On most accounts I succeeded. I did not replace my love of sugar and baked goods with a smoking stick of tobacco or pole dancing, however I did discover a new treat...soy milk with about 2 tablespoons of honey. I relished the times when I could scrape the cooled honey off the bottom of the glass. I pretended it was ice cream. I often thought, "Am I violating rule #2?" Usually that thought was immediately followed by this one, "I don't give a crap, this tastes good!"

As far as measurable improvements in my performance, there were definitely strides made. My maximum kipping pull-ups have gone from 3 broken to 12 in a row (possibly because I am 5 pounds lighter). My squat clean increased 50 pounds. I dropped 2 minutes on the benchmark workout called Michael.

As a present for last month's strict adherence to the zone, I have given myself permission to eat whatever my heart desires until the 4th of July, after that, I will go back to the zone. The funny thing is, my first "freedom to eat crap" day was yesterday and I still ate in the zone (except for two peanut butter cups given to me by a fellow crosssfitter Lindsay). Today, I went to the store and didn't even go for the sweets.

Why, when I am now free to eat whatever, am I not choosing the sweet stuff that I missed and vowed I would eat as soon as I could? The reason is this: now I have a new habit--eating healthy.